hhiste

Why do I bother writing these things? Oh, I know-- in the vain hope that maybe they mean something, and that maybe I will remember something of my past when all's said and done with me.

I'll open with a realization that I had, today, about with Deadmau5 and his music. In general, I am greatly annoyed by Deadmau5--or if you prefer, Joel Zimmerman. It isn't necessarily that I dislike his work--even with its endless, sometimes boring repetitions and its slow development, it's got its moments.

For example (just to prove that I actually listen to his work): "Ghosts n Stuff" is a good track musically, with its signature chord progression--monolithic, smashing into the listener's mind. I also love the vibrating, soulful feel of the introduction of "Some Chords" and the subsequent juxtaposition with high, jumping siren loops. Both songs are what I call "good imagination material," meaning that they allow me to imagine a situation to match the music.

Thus: The music--no problem. But take a closer look at the titles of the pieces, and you'll probably immediately catch why I am anti-Deadmau5.

"Ghosts n Stuff?" "Some Chords?"

You see, it's his attitude towards the art, or at least the way he presents himself with such titles as "Random Album Title," that get to me.

He doesn't respect himself. He doesn't take his work seriously. I hate that. I abhor it, that he can the ability to create--that he even has a large and supportive following--yet, he pushes it all down the drain with a crappy attitude.

So, how it all connects personally....

Through this realization today, not to sound the part of an egotist, I've learned something more important that has a personal significance. I detest my characters and my own work because I do not take art seriously.

It's exactly like the problem that I have with Zimmerman's attitude. I got a shit attitude too, you know? Here I am, drawing up virtually an OC a minute--and I don't even develop them beyond an arbitrarily-chosen name. What sort of artist am I, if I can consider myself one?

My problems, or at least the most obvious ones, are:

That I murder my own creations before they can be said to even "live" in me.
That I do not believe in my abilities, and so stagnate my personal growth.
That I refuse to take my work seriously as "real" pieces of art, worth developing and preserving.
That I can talk about these problems, pay a page of lip service, and still never learn to do better.

But perhaps that inherent negativity in my speech and thinking is even greater a problem--that seems logical, that my annoyance at "not-taking-self-seriously" stems from chronic negativity. Because as I review everything that I've written above with as objective an eye as I can manage, I see that everything is written in the negative.

"Problem."
"Not to sound the part of an egotist." (as if I can ever truly manage such a thing; it is laughable!)
"I got a shit attitude."
"That I murder my own creations..."
"...and still never learn to do better."

It's somewhat concerning, that I'm not even very old and I think in such self-defeating ways. Cynicism has always been my drug...my bad friend, the thing that stops me from achieving what I want.

____




Time to kick the habit. Let's try again, as Regina Spektor says, "with feeling."

One more time.
It'll sound so very corny to say this--and maybe I'll look back one day and regard this journal post as one of those foolish, spur-of-the-moment things--but let me try to make a better me, one more time.

I aim to be positive, more so than now at least. I'll start smaller, just to be cautious (of what? what consequence can possibly come of a positive outlook?), and work my way up.

Three points, then, as guidelines...because I don't like the idea of concrete and inviolable rules, and life does not work in absolutes--

I PROMISE, FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, TO GIVE MY CHARACTERS LIFE THROUGH TIME, DEDICATION, AND DEEP THOUGHT.
(you will be real, even as pedestrians in my mind...I promise you).

I PROMISE, FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, TO BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE BETTER THAN I CURRENTLY AM AND NEVER GIVE UP IN MOVING FORWARD.
(progress only comes after that realization, dunnit?)

I PROMISE, FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, TO LEARN AND GROW AND FOSTER MY OWN EDUCATION.
(I owe it to no one but myself, yeah>!)


__<inhale, exhale>__

One more time, I go off to re-invent the wheel.





And if that doesn't work, then one more time again. Until I get it right.

See, what's REALLY horrible is that I'm a hypocrite. Oh, te noes. The horror. The agony. Burn, wench, burn, in a really deep pit of deepness. No one loves you. Go cry in a bucket and drown in your own tears. You should be put in a toaster.

Well, see, the problem is that I am also at fault for crutching along, just like the MangaKiddies and the leBigShot Photographers. Most of the time, I really only do one style of work--I haven't uploaded any of them yet. But it's problematic when I can't do "quality" work, and then I blast others.

On one hand, it's natural. Or so I tell myself. Because it's so very easy to find fault with other people and their ways.
On the other hand, I feel like I really should stop tearing down other people. We're all human. I suppose. Most of us, anyway.

Oh, the problems that come when one is split between childhood and adulthood: that awkward intermediate phase, akin to those times of anarchy between the destruction of an old order and the ushering in of a new one...
I'd like to be nice about things. As a child, I was rather considerate, humane, loving, forgiving, etcing, and blah.

But of course, with the years I become twisted and gnawed on, like a beaver-tree-by-the-harsh-waters. The beaver-tree, it must be said, is constantly being blasted by harsh mists and weathered by the droplets--hacked to pieces by the beaver's tooth, and left on its lonesome, without voice, to withstand the cruelties of existence.

And of course I've become very mean-spirited. I'm a bully. A sarcastic little noodle. One of my generation. Highly unoriginal. What more can you expect of me?

Today, I spent about half an hour clicking the "Random Deviation" button. I'm that sort of person who loves to explore new stuffs--you know I'm a Pandora fan from that. But eh. I digress.

The main point is that I spent half an hour clicking the "Random Deviation" button and seeing ABSOLUTE SHITE.

I am going to rant now. Be forewarned.

1. Why does everyone with a camera think he/she/ze is le BigShot? My mind is blown at how many thoughtless little things are shot and uploaded to Deviantart. Digital spam in a can.

2. Why does every animetween feel the divine calling to become le BigMangaka and stop learning to draw any other style? For some reason, I personally don't appreciate when life is stagnant--yet, evidently, these kids CRUTCH along on their "dbz/Naruto/OnePiece/DeathNote/YuYuHakusho/Evangelion/other-inspired" styles. They do not see. They do not feel. They only copy, and many times they copy badly. The pointed noses, the bad anatomy, the sharp-sharp lines, GRAHAHAHAHAHADGRRRR. There is no improvement when one only follows a single path, and does not stop to take a look at other ways.

Turn back. Desist. Learn your anatomy. And stop crutching!

3. Why are there so many annoying, ranty, blasting, stupid, angry journalers out there?

"You're sooo original, the way you flame the photographers and what little artistic ability they have."
"You're SOOO sharp, the way you take apart the little anime-otaku-desu-kids out there."

I hate those journalers. They're gross. Like me.